Is it the tedious, clock watching grind of the same old job perhaps? Or maybe a spouse or ex partner where you know the relationship is dead. But not quite buried deep enough as you drag it around in your consciousness. It slows you down. It has too. It’s the law of physics; too much weight to carry, filled to the brim with an overbearing backpack of life commitments. And it’s not just carrying them is it? It’s trying to juggle those commitment balls, so feverishly you just know it’s only a matter of time, before the shards smash in your face?
Outside my house is a tall, willowy, gum tree with strong roots. It was planted the day I moved in. That was until a few weeks ago, in the mighty force of a whipped up frenzy storm it got battered and shook so hard, it was just too much for the young tree to hold itself up. And so, its adolescent limbs fractured and it split into two. Ironically, I was really pleased to see it shredded to pieces, it felt strangely symbolic of my mood. A few days later I awoke to the sounds of heavy-duty machinery, and twitched from my front window curtains, feeling oddly smug, as the willowy gum, got cut off at the ankles.I went outside to inspect it. A short stump and a fizz of red spray paint; the only reminder, she ever, might have cast a leafy shadow over my home.
So why was I so pleased, that such a beautiful tree met, with an untimely, and unfair death? It’s because I don’t want to live here anymore.
I hate my house and everything it physically ties me to, namely where I live. I hate the suburban concrete shells, the two of nine, repetitiveness of the front lawns, bland safe neutral colours of roof and building shape that patterns and preserves the new of this man-made fossil of sameness.You know, the identical streetscape is so analogous even after five long years, of living here I still, sometimes miss the turning into my street?
So now my tree has gone. Obliterated. Stumped, and I could not be happier. For me right now, my physical glue, keeping me stuck, is a pending house sale. But it could be anything. Anything physical that holds you back from doing what you physically want to do. I need to address my options, look at the big picture, and understand the universal lesson I need to learn to get this house sold. Is simply moving going to solve it all? No, of course not. But by opening up my mind and letting my focus charge positive rather than the negative, it’s got to be the start. My head space needs to clarify and ignite again and the shift in my head space, my attitude and my belief will make it happen. I am going to try.