“Your psychometric test results do not match our required employee profile.”
“What does that mean exactly?” I asked the recruitment woman with half-moon glasses. She spins her red swivel chair, back to face me, and then shuffles my computer generated profile stats into a neat pile.
“You’ll get bored within one week.”
“No I won’t.”
She does not respond. She simply arranges her shiny, ultra thin, black Biro on top of her super squared off pile of paper; leans forward, ever so slightly, and then stares me out over the top of her metal rims.
“I need this job.” I tell her quietly, lowering my eyes.
“Yes. But do you want it?”
I want to scream “Yes!”, if only to shut her up. Psychometric testing? Bah! What a load of crap!
But I’d be a liar.secret edited
But here is my secret.I do need this particular job; I need its flexible roster hours. I need the no pressure; except to turn up and leave on time. I need to clock on and then 7.5 hours later to clock off. I need no expectation of myself to do any more or any less. It is what it is. The recruitment woman told us so. Her exact words – “I don’t care who does your shift – as long as someone does” See? I am invisible, a bum on the chair. I have no face, merely a workstation number.
This is the job I need to survive as a working mum. No after hour’s phone calls. No thinking or planning my workload outside of the job. No unplanned early starts or late nights. No overlap to blur the lines of time devotion and more to the point energy devotion. This is what I need.
But then my inner self taps me on the shoulder and whispers in my ear. But this is not what you want is it?dear past
Can we have what we need and what we want? Are they one of the same? Or do you trade one off for the other? Is this new selfless life as a working parent a compromise or am I bailing for fear of failure at the first hurdle? Am I ignoring who I am because I am too afraid to take the challenge? You bet I am. I am terrified. I am scared of failing miserably. I am scared of letting myself down most of all. There I said it. I have to find the balance here. You see I think I need to have ‘want’ in my life to keep moving forward. If I just settle for need, then it stops at just the basic essence. I am not pushing myself in any form, so therefore I am stagnant. I need to open my eyes and stop hiding behind myself and what I believe my situation to be. Just because I have not juggled work and parenting – does not mean it cannot be more than the basic need, after all compromise does not equal selling out after all does it? It’s just hard having an argument in your own head sometimes I guess…….
Does anyone else feel the same ? Any thoughts will be appreciated……………